- Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
- It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the
time to do it.
- Sex is like air -- it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
- No one is listening until you fart.
- If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
- Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.
- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
- Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
- If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was worth it.
- Don't worry. It only seems kinky the first time.
- Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
- There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative.