Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I
have since been visited by her sister . . and now wish to withdraw that
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible.
Santa Claus has the right idea .. Visit people only once a year.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir.. mighty scarce.
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you
get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she
stops to breathe.
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and
kindness, can be trained to do most things.
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you
nothing. It was here first.
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
Money can't buy you happiness.. but it does bring you a more pleasant
form of misery.
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
I am opposed to millionaires........but it would be dangerous to offer me
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way
Don't worry about avoiding temptation ...As you grow older, it will avoid
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.....But everything else starts
to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go