Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I
have since been visited by her sister . . and now wish to withdraw that
statement.
~Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible.
~George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea .. Visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
~Mark Twain
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir.. mighty scarce.
~Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you
get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
~Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she
stops to breathe.
~Jimmy Durante
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and
kindness, can be trained to do most things.
~Jilly Cooper
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you
nothing. It was here first.
~Mark Twain
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
~Ed Furgol
Money can't buy you happiness.. but it does bring you a more pleasant
form of misery.
~Spike Milligan
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
~Henny Youngman
I am opposed to millionaires........but it would be dangerous to offer me
the position.
~Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
~Joe Namath
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~Herbert
Henry Asquith
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my
nap.
~Bob Hope
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way
through Congress.
~Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation ...As you grow older, it will avoid
you.
~Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.....But everything else starts
to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
~Phyllis Diller
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out.
~Unknown
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere.
~Billy Crystal
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