Thoughts Of The Year

1. Do not eat natural foods. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
2. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
3. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
4. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
5. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
6. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
7. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
8. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
9. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
10. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
11. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
12. All of us could take a lesson from the weather: it pays no attention to criticism.
13. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?     
14. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
15. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.  
16. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
17. You've read about all these terrorists--- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on expired visas, some for as long as 10 - 15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.