missing image
From: Barbara Willens
Date: Tue, 5 Oct 2004 12:23:24 -0700
Subject: Scary Questions

5 Scariest Questions from a Wife
The top five questions that men fear...

  1. What are you thinking about?
  2. Do you love me?
  3. Do I look fat?
  4. Do you think she is prettier than I am?
  5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
  1. Football.
  2. Baseball.
  3. How fat you are.
  4. How much prettier she is than you.
    (Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear!" Inappropriate responses include:
  1. Oh yeah, shit loads.
  2. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
  3. That depends on what you mean by love (Clinton's response).
  4. Does it matter?
  5. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:
  1. Compared to what?
  2. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
  3. A little extra weight looks good on you.
  4. I've seen fatter.
  5. That depends on what you mean by fat (Clinton's response).

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than I am?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" incorrect responses include:
  1. Yes, but you have a better personality.
  2. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
  3. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
  4. Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
  5. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how good she'd be in bed.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette."). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

  • WOMAN: Would you get married again?
    MAN: Definitely not!
  • WOMAN: Why not-don't you like being married?
    MAN: Of course I do.
  • WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
    MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
  • WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
    MAN: Yes, I would.
  • WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
    MAN: Where else would we sleep?
  • WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
    MAN: Well, that would seem like the proper thing to do.
  • WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
    MAN: No. She can't use them she's left-handed.
missing image

Valid HTML 4.01 Strict