5 Scariest Questions from a Wife
The top five questions that men fear...
- What are you thinking about?
- Do you love me?
- Do I look fat?
- Do you think she is prettier than I am?
- What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is
guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers
incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
- How fat you are.
- How much prettier she is than you.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear!" Inappropriate responses include:
- Oh yeah, shit loads.
- Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
- That depends on what you mean by love (Clinton's response).
- Does it matter?
- Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the
incorrect answers are:
- Compared to what?
- I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
- A little extra weight looks good on you.
- I've seen fatter.
- That depends on what you mean by fat (Clinton's response).
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than I am?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
incorrect responses include:
- Yes, but you have a better personality.
- Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
- Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
- Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
- Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about
how good she'd be in bed.
Question # 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette."). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
- WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
- WOMAN: Why not-don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
- WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
- WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: Yes, I would.
- WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
- WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them
with pictures of her?
MAN: Well, that would seem like the proper thing to do.
- WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: No. She can't use them she's left-handed.