Retired Person's Perspective

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably very unhappy.
4. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
5. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
6. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
7. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
8. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?
9. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.
10. Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet...
11. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop irritating me!
12. Old age is coming at a really bad time!
13. When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!
14. The biggest lie I tell myself is... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
15. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs working on.
16. The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes."
17. I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do the second week.
18. I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my wife took it!
19. Even duct tape can't fix stupid... but it can muffle the sound!
20. Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Old age is not as bad as I thought. It's a good feeling when you just don't give a hoot anymore and you feel happy just to wake up in the morning.