Retired Person's Perspective
- I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
- I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
- You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably very unhappy.
- You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
- I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
- I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
- I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
- Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?
- Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.
- Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators.
We haven't met yet...
- I don't need anger management.
I need people to stop irritating me!
- Old age is coming at a really bad time!
- When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment...
now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!
- The biggest lie I tell myself is... "I don't need to write that down,
I'll remember it."
- My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs working on.
- The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please.
I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes."
- I'm going to retire and live off of my savings.
Not sure what I'll do the second week.
- I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my wife took it!
- Even duct tape can't fix stupid... but it can muffle the sound!
- Of course I talk to myself,
sometimes I need expert advice.
Old age is not as bad as I thought. It's a good feeling when you just don't give a hoot anymore and you feel happy just to wake up in the morning.