Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say tom myself,
'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
--- Lillian Carter
I never drink water because of the disgusting things
that fish do in it..
--- W. C. Fields
Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning
to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet,"
--- Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I
think of it as the only time of the month that
I can be myself,"
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place,"
--- Billy Crystal
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will
give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I
never would've thought of that!'"
--- Dave Barry
"You know 'that look' women get when they want sex?
--- Steve Martin
"We have women in the military, but they don't put us in
the front lines. They don't know if we can fight or
if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has
to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the
enemy over there? They say you look fat in those
--- Elaine Boosler
"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."
--- George Carlin
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a
woman I don't like and just give her a house."
--- Lewis Grizzard
"The problem with the designated driver program, it's
not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked
into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of
the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--- Jeff Foxworthy
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a
penis, and only enough blood to run one at a
--- Robin Williams
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life, she will choose to
save the infant's life without even considering
if there is a man on base."
--- Dave Barry
"What do people mean when they say the computer went
down on them?"
--- Marilyn Pittman
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job,
and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend
or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give
you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay,
and before they leave you, they should have to find
you a temp."
--- Bob Ettinger
"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I
said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how
--- Paula Poundstone
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say
to the authors of that study:---- Duh."
--- Conan O'Brien
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh
my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
--- Lynda Montgomery
"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day
Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner."
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of
people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the
crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold
enough. Let's go west.'"
--- Richard Jeni
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
--- Johnny Carson
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
--- Paul Rodriguez
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they
turned sixty, and that's the law."
--- Jerry Seinfeld
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line
up quietly in a single file line from smallest to
tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn
--- Warren Hutcherson
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the
--- Oscar Wilde
"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready
for an institution yet."
--- Mae West
"Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a
member of Congress...But I repeat myself."
--- Mark Twain
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school
student. At least they can find Kuwait."
--- A. Whitney Brown
I sometimes wish that people would put a little more
emphasis on the observance of the law than they do on
I have never hated a man enough to give his
--- Zsa Zsa Gabor