A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found
a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked
her pupil.
"Because I pissed in it's ear and it didn't move,"
answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in
surprise.
"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and
went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water ?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank
you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a
drink of water?"
An exasperated mother, whose son was always
getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do
you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said,"Well, I'll run in
and out and in and out and keep slamming the door
until St Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan,
come in or stay out!'"
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm
a mother was tucking her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked
with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep
with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in
Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky
little voice:
"The big sissy."
It was that time, during the Sunday morning
service, for the children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty
dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter
Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's
clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a
bitch to iron."
When I was six months pregnant with my third
child, my three year old came into the room when I
was just getting ready to get into the shower. She
said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby
growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but
what's growing in your butt?"
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said
to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch
is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped,
"What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math
homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?"
the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next
day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning
addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say
two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,
"What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF
WHICH, is four."
One day the first grade teacher was reading the
story of Chicken Little to her class.
She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little
tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken
Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is
falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what
do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think
he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10
minutes.
A certain little girl, when asked her name,
would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say,
"I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in
Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's
daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother
says I'm not."
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go
outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play
with the boys, they're too rough!"
The little girl thought about it for a few moments
and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play
with him?"
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her
father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad
gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna
get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs
too."
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