I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like:

• "I'm tired."
• "I'm washing my hair."
• "I've got a headache."
• "I'm your sister."

A woman in labor is in pain and screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed.

He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass, but N-O-O-O-O, you said that might hurt!

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted.

I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic.

I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough.

But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts!

Women, I can't figure them out.

A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born, "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son.”

The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said, "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier."

Dear Dr Phil:

I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window.

As I was jerking off, I turned to notice my wife was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert or what?

A guy gets a call at work from the police telling him that his house had been robbed.

The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.

A moment of silence passes, then the guy says, "I can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!"

Got this text from my brother recently. It read, "Can I stay at your house for a while?

The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. For what it's worth, it reaches all the way to the back of her sister's throat!"

Sorry for not calling you on New Year's, but I just got out of jail. I was locked up for punching the shit out of this idiot at a party. In my defense, when you hear an Arab counting down from 10 your instincts kick in.

My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I'm coming or going."

I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face you're going, because when you're coming you look like a fucking squirrel trying to whistle!"

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.

Last night I fucked a girl named Penny. Is that spooky or what?

The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip, do you think about me?"

Apparently, "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly!" wasn't the right answer.