The Cynical Philosopher
Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not
to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small
donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass
of water.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive,
they would eventually find me attractive.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand
for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men
are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra
weight, live longer than the men who mention it.
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked
at your X and wondered Y?
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross
the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to
vote.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like
someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few
weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very
edge of the pool and throw them fish?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
We'll see about that.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling
my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last
night.
Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.
You're not fat, you're just ... easier to see.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.
Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”
I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an
older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread
social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m
worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.
Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is
on us” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life
sucks!
The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty
sure she’s going to get me something.
On average, an American man will have sex two to three times
a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two
times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea
I was Japanese.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your
house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental
patient.
I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language
entirely out of tattoos.
The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody
was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer,
Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie
were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed
drunk.
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